For Russia with Love

It's kind of a tradition that if you're doing an interview with a musician you have to ask only questions about music: when the band started, what's the first chord learnt by the guitarist, E of which octave can sing the vocalist, how long it took the drummer to learn blast beats, what's the fucking concept the band used on the 3rd/5th/10th album, but nobody cares that musicians are people as we are that can breath and fart without music at all. So we decided to make a special interview with the most notorious and kick-assing guy on the brutal scene - Mika Luttinen from Impaled Nazarene. Hi, Mika! Though you releases an extremely cool album All That You Fear at the end of 2003, let's talk today about smth different. For example, wonderful country I'm from - about Russia - as Impaled Nazarene is going to visit it the end of October. So can you remember how old were you when you heard about Russia or better say USSR for the first time? Did you get your first knowledge about this country from school or at home? What was the first thing you learnt about it?

Mika Luttinen: It must have been in school. History lessons and such things. I have no idea what was the first thing I learnt about CCCP, I don?t remember shit from first school years. Blame vodka. Were you surprised a lot when you came for the first time to play in St. Pete and there weren't white bears walking down the streets? Any other revelations from the period?

Mika Luttinen: I am from north of Finland so I was not expecting ice bears down there, hehe. We did not know what to except to tell the truth. Everything turned out to be fucking cool, even though we were way too shit-faced on that show. Unfortunately we did not get to see St. Petersburg at all, except for one record shop. Do you agree that Russian vodka is the best in the world? If yes then what's your favorite brand?

Mika Luttinen: I agree 666%!!! The best one I have tasted is from Siberia, it is bottled for Caviar house company, they have only a few stores in Europe, one is in Brussels. That vodka is so fucking smooth it is untrue. So far I have not tasted one single bad Russian vodka. Do you like Russian cuisine? If yes what do you like most?

Mika Luttinen: Not that familiar with Russian cuisine, I am afraid. Rybnaia Solianka is really excellent soup (hope I got the name right). Blinys, of course. I also ate some fish dish on a train to Moscow (I don?t know name of the dish) and it was fantastic. Russian salads are great as well. Do you still keep on learning Russian? As far as I remember you had an inscription "Fuck Me" in Russian during IN gig in St.Pete with Chidren of Bodom. Did you write it yourself or somebody helped you? Do you know any other Russian words?

Mika Luttinen: My knowledge is da, njet and harasoo, that?s it. Local promoter wrote that "fuck me" text for me, it was my stage "gear" on different countries at that time. Always FUCK ME written on local language. Those were the days I could play without shirt, hahaha. Do you agree that Russian chix are the best in the world? If yes then what they have to do on the nearest IN gigs in Russia to make you happy?

Mika Luttinen: They are the best, of course. I think answer to this is very obvious. Just take me and fuck my brains out! More the merrier, hint hint. Do you know that the word "sauna" came to Russian from abroad, we call it "banya" and normally it's a place where people are lashing each other with birch brooms saying that it's really healthy for you body? Did you ever try this?

Mika Luttinen: Hehe, yes, I know this habit very well and it rules totally. Unfortunately my apartment does not have its own sauna. When I visit my family, first thing is to heat sauna and beat yourself to death with birch broom. Ice cold beer is essential ingridient for this as well. Which Russian band do you know? Do you like TATU?

Mika Luttinen: I have some cd?s, thanks to one very kind person. Names I cannot spell, some were cool. TATU rules of course but now my heart belong to Nu-Virgos. They are HOT to say the least. Impaled Nazarene should definitely tour with TATU and Nu-Virgos. It would be a good package. At least for us, that is. Can you tell us several funny cases that happened during IN gigs in Russia?

Mika Luttinen: Our hotel in Moscow was on river, this boat-hotel. It was winter time and the river was on ice of course. Me and Arkki plus Sami (Spikefarm records headcheese) decided to go and take some photos on ice. There were some fishermen there, you know, fishing thru holes on ice. Our cool photo session was basically us showing our asses to camera and it did not take very long that all fishers decided it was time to go home. We were not very popular among them I guess. I still have not so nice burn marks on my left hand from that trip, for some reason (vodka again) I wanted to burn myself for the video we were shooting, you know, dvd extra material. Good old vodka. As far as I know you want to play a gig with IN in Vladivostok, why? Do you think that there are a lot of metalheads and especially IN fans in this city?

Mika Luttinen: Yes, this is like my ultimate dream. I have no clue if there are any I.N. fans there, I am sure there are metalheads though. Not many bands have played there and it is just one of those places that would be so fucking cool to play. I will have never money enough to visit Vladivostok as tourist so I can only pray for Satan that one day we can play there. Those "lucky" guys who ever saw porn made in Russia said that it's a real shit in comparison to European one. No professional actresses only some hookers in a low-budget movie where all scenes made on the Red Square background. Have you ever seen Russian porn and what are your impressions?

Mika Luttinen: Never seen russian porn. I did buy some films on St. Petersburg (all of them were dubbed in Russian by this tired-of-life male voice, even female parts) and to my utter shock and horror, all hardcore parts were cut out. Russia was the last place on earth I expected porn films to be cut. In your latest videos you had already both a pornstar dancing in the car-washing and cheerleaders' team dancing with guns. So is it a chance to see in your next video Russian semi-naked beauties dancing on a tank, for example?

Mika Luttinen: Sure. This we will do when BMG or Universal signs us for four million euros. We will have nukes and tanks and the whole red square filled with Russian beauties dancing naked in praise of Satan and us! Can you name five things that you associate with Russia?

Mika Luttinen: Vodka, nuclear weapons, unstable submarines, beautiful women and counterfeit cigarettes. Have you ever got matreshka or any other Russian traditional souvenir from the fans?

Mika Luttinen: No, no such things. Thanx for the interview and now your words of dark wisdom for those who plan to visit IMPALED NAZARENE gigs in Russia the end of October 2004…

Mika Luttinen: Be there or you are gay!!! Looking forward to October!!!!

(July, 2004)

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