'I'D BE THE BIGGEST SLUT ON THIS PLANET!'
How much alcohol on average can a human being consume in 24 hours? What are the peculiarities of censorship in France? Why are you labeled nazi in Belgium? What's the best hangover treatment Finnish style? To find out this and many more we have sent Troll to talk to Impaled Nazarene's Mika Luttinen during the band's visit to Moscow in March this year…
It's midday in Moscow, and we are sitted with one of the world extreme rock's most notorious character chatting in between the soundcheck and the upcoming show. The shabby dressing room of DK MAI (the venue) is packed with musicians, technicians and other people including yours truly. Feeling a bit uneasy of how to break the ice with a guy, who is so renowned for his extravagant character and manners I fumble with the Dictaphone trying to get my thoughts in proper order. At this moment the bald-headed charm sitting next to me asks to excuse himself to pick up a vodka shot before we proceed with the question. His polite and soft speaking and somewhat shy look puzzle me even further as being too contradicting with the imaginary portrait I had of the guy. Sitting beside me, gulping the vodka and lighting a cigarette he says he is ready to deliver the answers, which we start by his first impressions of Moscow
Mika Luttinen: Great town. [Great trown?] Yes, and really beautiful women here! Even the little girls have big tits here! [Cool!] Yes it is! I agree, it's really cool.
MetalKings.com: So have you got a chance to see the town yet?
Mika Luttinen: No, we are going to do that tomorrow. We arrived this morning and we have been just… most of the guys have been sleeping today. Well, most of the Finntroll were sleeping you know, they are wimps anyway.
The said wimps at that moment were busy with the soundcheck which we could distinctly hear. The mighty sound of wardrums was shaking the room as if an army of angry axe-armed trolls was preparing to break into the hall. Oh yes, everything indeed was promising a good gig, isn't that so?
Mika Luttinen: I want to get laid.
MetalKings.com: No, I mean the gig?
Mika Luttinen: I don't care about the gig I came here to get laid.
MetalKings.com: Yeah, but you'll have to talk to the local promoter about that.
Mika Luttinen: OK, I am looking forward to the gig of course. I mean if the people here are like they were in St. Pete three and a half years ago and it was a real crazy show, and I hear Moscow is even crazier. I am sure it's going to be very interesting tonight.
Knowing that most of the bands coming to Moscow are usually having a much longer set than they have when they play in other countries, it was pretty safe to assume that this would also be the case with the nuclear goat rapers…
Mika Luttinen: It's 75 minutes or something, 28 songs.
MetalKings.com: Would it be mostly the new album or…
Mika Luttinen: From every damn album we are playing something including the EPs. Of course we are playing some stuff from the new album, I think something like six, but it's 28 songs altogether, so you get 22 songs from the past.
BANDS AND LABELS - LOVE… HATE… LOVE…
By this time I figure out that my counterpart is quite different from whatever the picture I was getting beforehand. Serious enough to concentrate on the questions, he is doing his best to make the interview entertaining for everyone in the room, joking, and making faces into the camera. Time to change subjects though, and I start probing the thin ice of band-label relationships. A good example is the 2000 IN vs. Driller Killer split which for some reason did not come out on Osmose.
Mika Luttinen: Because our bass player at that time… Jani Lehtosaari - I am sure that you will spell it wrong, anyway - he has his own record company and he wanted to do it, and originally we asked Osmose if it was interested in the idea. And they said "no", and we said "okay then we'll do it on our bass player's label" and they said, "sure". And when we renewed our contract now with Osmose, we have freedom to record for other labels if we want. It's really a great deal. So basically our band can do what the fuck we want.
MetalKings.com: Wasn't that always the case?
Mika Luttinen: [smiles] Yes, yes it was. And even when it wasn't we just did what the fuck we wanted.
At this moment somebody walks out of the room leaving the door open behind him leaving an open gateway for Finntroll's sound attack. Here Mika surprises me once again by shouting rather angrily at one of the guys in the room, to shut the fucking door please because he is trying to do an interview, you know. "Thank you."
MetalKings.com: So it's been how many albums now with Osmose?
Mika Luttinen: 8, if you count the compilation alum 'The Decade of Decadence'. So it's seven studio albums, one compilation album, one mini-CD and two 7". It's been a long trip, but I mean it's the best company for us, we are really good friends with them, it's not business. We are just friends and that's it. He let's us do what the fuck we want to. He knows that he cannot afford to lose us anymore.
MetalKings.com: How long is the new contract?
Mika Luttinen: We always sign only for two albums and that's it. And no options or anything like this. Just two studio albums and that's it. And there is a reason to that, because if something gets fucked up, like Osmose stops paying us all of a sudden we can just leave immediately. But it's a really good deal. We got some offers, but we showed these offers to our lawyer and he said, that they are all so full of shit, that you, guys, are stupid if you are leaving Osmose. And when Osmose heard that we were getting offers from other labels, they started giving us more money! So in the end we just won a better deal with Osmose.
MetalKings.com: So how is the new album going out?
Mika Luttinen: Cannot complain, much better than 'Nihil'.
MetalKings.com: What was IN's top-sales? Mika Luttinen: That's the 'Suomi Finland Perkele' still.
OPPRESSED BY CENSORS AND ISLAM
Here all of a sudden the bass player walks over to us and goes: 'Do you mind if I show you my ass?' Taken aback by the query I nod my head in bewilderment and get the guy's cheeks right in front of my face - Guess what Immortal meant by 'Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticis'? - this puts us both in the right mood to discuss poetry and lyrics, which in the case of Impaled Nazarene have always been non-compromising, candid and brutally amusing.
Mika Luttinen: It's completely different topics, from songs about ex-girlfriends and stuff like this to songs against Islam. And the lyrics were made before this whole shit happened in the USA, so. 'Absence of War…' is a completely anti-Islamic song, and it's not even their church it's the people that I absolutely hate. Because in Finland you don't have Muslims at all, but I used to live in Belgium for seven years, and the whole country is packed with Muslims. I learned to know them and I realized that those are the shittiest people on this planet.
MetalKings.com: From personal experience?
Mika Luttinen: Exactly.
MetalKings.com: How come?
Mika Luttinen: I mean, they are saying that white people are racists but these are the people that are attacking - I was walking on the street and I was cased by something like 20 Moroccan old-men, like 50 years old all of them, just because I'm bald. If you are bald immediately you are labeled nazi in Belgium, in their opinion at least. It's lunacy there. Basically one of the reasons why I moved back to Finland was that I wanted to get rid of all of these Muslims.
Our photographer walks over and takes another picture of Mika. 'Are you sure you don't wanna take a naked picture of me?' - 'We cannot publish it anyway, they'll censor it…' Talking of which, have IN ever encountered censor-oppression?
Mika Luttinen: Yes, we have been. In Australia they didn't let us play it was an all-ages show. And the local Christian newspaper started this campaign against us and they managed to block the whole show. In France we couldn't say the word 'Satan' on stage in one town. It's a long and boring story but anyways, we were playing there, and it was lunacy, there was a policeman standing there. And we were told that if we were going to say the word 'Satan' on stage they would immediately arrest us.
MetalKings.com: If you said 'Saatana'?
Mika Luttinen: They are not stupid. But you know what was the weirdest thing - you could sing it, they didn't care if you sang 'Saaa-tan', but if you said it, that was forbidden. It was a total joke.
Speak of the devil… the bassist rushed in and started talking to Mika in Finnish, saying there were a bunch of cops outside trying to block the show, because they heard some Satanist nazi band was playing. 'Go see for yourself there's a fucking army out there!' Just when we started laughing about the whole situation, the promoter went in and said everything was settled. Okay let's give it another try…
MetalKings.com: So what are the expectations for the tonight's show?
Mika Luttinen: I must say this is the last place I expected this kind of shit to happen.
MetalKings.com: IN is opposed to any kind of organized religion, not just Christianity…
Mika Luttinen: Yes.
MetalKings.com: Buddhists too?
Mika Luttinen: [momentarily puzzled by the question] Well, actually they are the only ones, who are ok. They leave people alone, so, I can live with them. But I can't understand why people follow religion. So I don't understand why they are following Buddhism, but I am okay with them. They don't come to your door, like some fucking Jehova's Witnesses or Mormons.
Ok, for the second part of interview - here come the traditional MetalKings.com treats of ridiculously stupid questions…
THE BIGGEST SLUT IN THE WORLD
MetalKings.com: So the first question is: Madonna approaches IN and says she wants to do a song with you, what it's gonna be about?
Mika Luttinen: [affirmatively] Goats. 'Like a Goat-virgin'.
MetalKings.com: For one day you are turned into a gorgous blonde with 46C tits - three things you are going to do.
Mika Luttinen: I will get four guys immediately to fuck me. Then I will have six guys to fuck me. And then I will have eight guys to fuck me!
MetalKings.com: Cool, who are the guys? The whole Finntroll and IN team?
Mika Luttinen: Argh, what do you think I am?! I am talking of beautiful men, not this kind of bastards. But anyway I would have sex all the time, I would have been the biggest slut in the world.
MetalKings.com: What's your most bizarre drunken experience?
Mika Luttinen: I don't remember it.
MetalKings.com: Probably somebody told you about… Here the soundman Kurva-Vilska comes in saying he could tell some pretty fucked up stories about Mika… After some word-picketing in Finnish, Mika turns back to me with a protest.
Mika Luttinen: This is not true, I never drink. I am always sober.
MetalKings.com: OK, that's a very bizarre drunken story that I hear right now. Hangover treatment?
Mika Luttinen: You take 3 three-minute eggs - you boil the eggs for three minutes - then you have some Finnish herring, raw onions, some mayonnaise, and you put lots of salt and pepper for the eggs, and you take Finnish rye bread and caviar paste in the tube, and lots of black coffee. And if that does not help, you take vodka.
MetalKings.com: What's your average alcohol consumption a day?
Mika Luttinen: You are trying to make me look very bad on this interview?
MetalKings.com: OK, what was the last book you read?
Mika Luttinen: [the whole room erupts with laughter] I think I was the ticket of a vodka bottle. Well, I have lowered my drinking recently, but when I was leaving in Belgium I used to drink like about 16 cans of beer, plus a bottle of Jack Daniels plus two bottles of red wine a day. For one year straight, every fucking day.
MetalKings.com: Well your final word.
Mika Luttinen: I really can't wait for that moment when I turn into a blonde. So that I can get some dick, finally get some dick you know…
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